Last spring I signed myself up for match.com. I'm not proud of the fact, since the whole time I felt like I was prostituting myself or even worse using the Internet to find the man of my dreams...
What can I say, I had gone to the lowest of the lows.
However, I decided "why not" since I was stuck inside the library for 4-6 hrs a day and was in classes with other nursing students none of them single, cute guys...go figure. On top of that I had a friend tell me that I should seriously think about freezing my eggs. Fuck me, I'm 29 yrs old and ppl are telling me to freeze my eggs? For real? To make myself feel better about my current situation, I told myself to just have fun with it. Go out with everyone and anyone if they seemed nice. (To the girls who are thinking of going onto match.com I would advise against my own advice).
At first, you feel like a superstar, you get so many winks and e-mails coming at you. It's great for a gal who has zero interest outside of her little world. In fact it actually was a bit overwhelming. I decided to go on some dates...
Andre:
Andre was a (real) Christian. I love meeting new people and finding out about their life. But their is a line that people usually draw especially when meeting someone for the first time...on the date I found out that he had two kids from a previous marriage (hummm, am I really at the age where I'm dating guys with teenage kids already?), had three moms growing up (wow, this is a lot to dump on a girl for the first date) and a sister who is a crack addict and keeps hitting him up for money. The part about not knowing when to draw the line about personal information was a bit much for even me. I mean come on 2 kids, three different moms (don't know how that worked) and a crack addicted sister...fuck me.
The Greek:
Now I have to say that The Greek was freaking ay hot. He had the accent, dark figures and had some meat on him. However, after our first date he left for Greece for a business trip and the whole week he texted me (which don't get me wrong is very sweet). The fact that he texted me was cute, what he texted me not so much "Hi hottie, sexy, baby" after those comments I kind of checked out. But the real reason I had to let my Greek God go was when he pulled the "I think I'm falling in love with you". Come on now, 2 weeks and you're falling in love with me? Give me a break! You just want to get into my pants...so piss off!
The Lawyer:
The next guy I decided to go out with was a guy that I had been playing e-mail tag with for a couple months. He was a lawyer and had family in SF, which was nice. The fact that all his pictures were far away, should have clued me in, but then I would be superficial and I didn't want to be that girl. We met at a swanky bar in Union Square and as I walked up to him, he asked me how I was feeling, I replied "I'm good" and then it happened. He motioned for me to give him a high five. Don't get me wrong I love the high fives, however there is a time and a place for a high five and that just wasn't it, it was the most awkward high five I think I have given. The place that we went was known for their drinks and yet I was drinking tea (since I had been sick on our last conversation...2 months ago...really?). The night proceeded to be all about him and how great he was (little dick syndrome) and how he could take me on amazing vacations and we could travel the world together...seriously? Was I feeling like a prostitute? check. I drank my tea, so damn fast that my tongue was numb for a couple of days. Worth the numb tongue? YES!
38 yr old Wall Street guy:
One of the last guys I went out with was a guy who worked on Wall Street, was a runner and his mom had been a nurse. It seemed like a great match. He was a bit older, 38 however age has never been a factor for me. Our first date we hit it off and he made sure to open the doors, pull my chair back and let me order first. We had a great time together. It wasn't until around our 3rd date that his true colors came out. The conversation about the exes came to light. I noticed that all his exes were all "young". As I remarked about this he bluntly said "Yes, well you know women my age have old eggs and I want kids some day". Not only was I floored by this comment, it made me want to grab his balls underneath the table while asking him how "fresh" he thought his sperm still was since he was nearing 40. I held back my motivation to twist his balls off, but I did put it to him about the egg comment. After that things kind of went down hill from there. The last straw probably was the fact that when he asked me what type of guy I look for I replied "Someone who is ambitious, funny, has a great heart, romantic, outdoorsy and someone I know will be my best friend and more" When he asked if he met those requirements, I told him the truth, "no". I'm guessing that comment was the deal breaker...
For the girls or men who are on match.com, that's great and good luck to you.
I don't think it's my thing...so I will be staying off of match.com unless of course I get another friend who tells me that I should really think about freezing my eggs...
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It's always the crazy men who adore me
This past semester I had my psych rotation. Before the first day on the ward, my clinical instructor, who appeared as though she was from the psych ward herself. She came to the first clinical with no bra on and she is not a small woman, if you know what I mean. At 7:30am in the morning I was in the midst of this woman's boobs as an unexpected hug took place. Really 7:30 in the morning smashed in boobs which aren't my own, is not how I like to start my day off...
In the e-mail she explained that it was okay if we were scared of being on a lock-down unit. The fact that I would be on a locked unit didn't phase me, I was working on my psych masters before I transitioned into Nursing...
However, I think my attitude changed when I got onto the unit and learned that there were convicted rapists and that we were not allowed to be in a room alone with any of the patients. Rapists are not my favorite, I tend to want to chop off their balls. It didn't help that every time we walked down the halls we would get cat calls the whole way. My nickname on the ward was "sunshine", yeah they really went out on a limb for that one...
The first day on the ward, we walked in and their was a tall guy, who looked like he was in his mid 30's and was singing, dancing and as us ladies walked by made a comment about "how he wanted to tap that ass". He definitely knew how to welcome the ladies onto the floor. In that moment, I prayed that I didn't get that guy...
It completely sucks when your prayers don't get answered or maybe God didn't hear the part where I said "didn't want THAT guy"...as my instructor handed me the chart my thought was instantly "fuck me"
My patient was diagnosed with being Bipolar and had grandiose delusions (aka: he thought he was God). Now on the flip side I really should have had fun with this patient, but I was really trying to be earnest and a good psych nurse. I mean honestly, how many times do you get to meet god in person? Not that often. I am pissed that I didn't ask him what my future held, what's the lottery ticket number, if I should go back to CA or stay in NYC, and how many more damn frogs am I going to have to kiss because it's getting rather old.
My first session with him went okay. We talked about his past, where he grew-up, his girlfriend and then we went into what he did for fun. This is when the serenading got started. He LOVED Pearl Jam, REM and a chick that I had never heard before but he was determined to make me like her. Instead of asking me if I knew the songs he would start belting them out. Which to be honest was pretty entertaining, I'm not going to lie.
Right before our conversation was over he wanted me to "look into his eyes" and ask him what his favorite things in life were. If you didn't know already looking into peoples eyes are the windows to people's souls (if anyone did not know this fact...he would loooove to explain it to you in greater length).
Now this is what it looked like: I would stare into his eyes and ask him "what is your favorite band?". He would close his eyes, take three deep breaths, hum and then spit out the answer. Now if I looked perplexed by his answer (I found out the hard way), he would explain his reasoning which took a mere 15-20 minutes. I didn't look perplexed again.
As we left, he asked me to come over and this is where it got awkward. First, I don't like unwanted attention and second I don't like unwanted attention especially in front of my whole cohort. He started singing REM to me and then professed to me that he loved me.
I think the worst part about it the situation is that when I told my girlfriends about my experience they replied "hey at least someone loves you."
awesome...simply awesome.
In the e-mail she explained that it was okay if we were scared of being on a lock-down unit. The fact that I would be on a locked unit didn't phase me, I was working on my psych masters before I transitioned into Nursing...
However, I think my attitude changed when I got onto the unit and learned that there were convicted rapists and that we were not allowed to be in a room alone with any of the patients. Rapists are not my favorite, I tend to want to chop off their balls. It didn't help that every time we walked down the halls we would get cat calls the whole way. My nickname on the ward was "sunshine", yeah they really went out on a limb for that one...
The first day on the ward, we walked in and their was a tall guy, who looked like he was in his mid 30's and was singing, dancing and as us ladies walked by made a comment about "how he wanted to tap that ass". He definitely knew how to welcome the ladies onto the floor. In that moment, I prayed that I didn't get that guy...
It completely sucks when your prayers don't get answered or maybe God didn't hear the part where I said "didn't want THAT guy"...as my instructor handed me the chart my thought was instantly "fuck me"
My patient was diagnosed with being Bipolar and had grandiose delusions (aka: he thought he was God). Now on the flip side I really should have had fun with this patient, but I was really trying to be earnest and a good psych nurse. I mean honestly, how many times do you get to meet god in person? Not that often. I am pissed that I didn't ask him what my future held, what's the lottery ticket number, if I should go back to CA or stay in NYC, and how many more damn frogs am I going to have to kiss because it's getting rather old.
My first session with him went okay. We talked about his past, where he grew-up, his girlfriend and then we went into what he did for fun. This is when the serenading got started. He LOVED Pearl Jam, REM and a chick that I had never heard before but he was determined to make me like her. Instead of asking me if I knew the songs he would start belting them out. Which to be honest was pretty entertaining, I'm not going to lie.
Right before our conversation was over he wanted me to "look into his eyes" and ask him what his favorite things in life were. If you didn't know already looking into peoples eyes are the windows to people's souls (if anyone did not know this fact...he would loooove to explain it to you in greater length).
Now this is what it looked like: I would stare into his eyes and ask him "what is your favorite band?". He would close his eyes, take three deep breaths, hum and then spit out the answer. Now if I looked perplexed by his answer (I found out the hard way), he would explain his reasoning which took a mere 15-20 minutes. I didn't look perplexed again.
As we left, he asked me to come over and this is where it got awkward. First, I don't like unwanted attention and second I don't like unwanted attention especially in front of my whole cohort. He started singing REM to me and then professed to me that he loved me.
I think the worst part about it the situation is that when I told my girlfriends about my experience they replied "hey at least someone loves you."
awesome...simply awesome.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Stepping up to the Challenge
I just love when I step onto the hospital floor and see nurses who are overweight, smoke and could care less about exercising or their own health. Especially as nurses we're suppose to be health advocates and promote preventative health measures, such as diet, exercise, stress reduction, etc. So it really ticks me off when I see these nurses stuffing their faces with the most fattening foods and then going out for a smoke...COME ON PEOPLE you're freaking killing me over here!
It's as bad as overweight cops who eat donuts while sitting in their cars. Whenever I see a fat cop I always want to go up to them and say "tag...you're IT!" and take off to see if they really could catch me...I would personally bet on myself.
So what the hell am I going to do about this disparity? One can say I have big ideas. Now the hard part will be getting them into fruition. (I can already hear my older brother in my head telling me..."Sarah just fucking graduate, stop going on these missions!) But I just can't let these ideas go...
Here's the plan:
p.s. if anyone has other good ideas hit me up
It's as bad as overweight cops who eat donuts while sitting in their cars. Whenever I see a fat cop I always want to go up to them and say "tag...you're IT!" and take off to see if they really could catch me...I would personally bet on myself.
So what the hell am I going to do about this disparity? One can say I have big ideas. Now the hard part will be getting them into fruition. (I can already hear my older brother in my head telling me..."Sarah just fucking graduate, stop going on these missions!) But I just can't let these ideas go...
Here's the plan:
- I am trying to start a wellness program for the Spring semester at NYU. It will include speakers from the holistic department, Yoga to the People who will host a live yoga event in Washington Square Park, a Sexologist, Nutritionist to give us or start cooking classes with the students
- The second part of this idea is to work with public schools and pair up nursing and medical school students to work together and build a "pin pal" type of relationship. The NYU students would come and do small talks about why health is important, what goes on at the doctors office, what questions you SHOULD ask and CAN ask (aka sex questions) and get them excited about being in control of THEIR bodies and what they put into them.
- The final part is to host a benefit walk/run where all the schools can compete against the other schools. Or make it an obstacle course. something fun!
p.s. if anyone has other good ideas hit me up
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Big Thought of the Day: Toilet Etiquette
I am in finals at the moment, which means crazy hours in the library. Luckily at NYU we have a huge bathroom on the first floor, which I love since when you have to pee you can usually do it in semi-private.
However, people either love me and always want to come into the stall that is right next to mine or they're simple clueless (I am going with the latter) . Why do people insist on going into the stall that's right next to yours when they have a choice of 20+ other stalls to choose from?
I mean come on peeps let's get a little distance between ourselves, its not like were camping in the outback. It really makes no sense to me. Do people need to hear another person peeing to feel at ease and comfortable? or do they need the noise of another person peeing to trigger their own automatic physiologic response?
Just in case this is new information for people, it's common curiosity to let your neighbors pee in private. This is especially true if you are going into the bathroom to drop a load. I mean honestly, take that s*#% (no pun intended) to another stall and possibly the last stall on the block.
Warm regards,
Miss "Manners" Sarah
However, people either love me and always want to come into the stall that is right next to mine or they're simple clueless (I am going with the latter) . Why do people insist on going into the stall that's right next to yours when they have a choice of 20+ other stalls to choose from?
I mean come on peeps let's get a little distance between ourselves, its not like were camping in the outback. It really makes no sense to me. Do people need to hear another person peeing to feel at ease and comfortable? or do they need the noise of another person peeing to trigger their own automatic physiologic response?
Just in case this is new information for people, it's common curiosity to let your neighbors pee in private. This is especially true if you are going into the bathroom to drop a load. I mean honestly, take that s*#% (no pun intended) to another stall and possibly the last stall on the block.
Warm regards,
Miss "Manners" Sarah
Starting to find my voice
When people tell me that I am such a strong person and how I will just say anything to people and don't care about the consequences, it always makes me take a step back. I think when people say this to me:
1) They have no clue what the heck they're talking about!
2) Maybe I should start caring about the consequences...I thought I cared...but I think they're right it's always a second thought...hummmm that might not be good.
3) The image I project sounds like a kick-ass girl...
I grew-up not caring about what people thought and I was fully SARAH. However, shit happened and I lost the man in my life who let me be fully me. I lost my way for a long time, like a lot of people do in life.
My own image of myself is truly flawed. It amazes me that instead of thinking that I am stronger for going through things in my life, I feel weaker for them. As though I wasn't able to pull myself up by my boot-strings fast enough or well enough as others have done. I mean there are people who lose their whole families, are raped, tortured and they get through these awful experiences to do good in their lives...now that is truly amazing!
Yes, I stand up to people, but that is because the situation is such bullshit and I'm just not good at letting people get away with how they treat others. I am GREAT at standing up for other people! I will give them that. If someone wants to put down one of my friends or family members in my presence they better have their fists up, because I will most likely be swinging. However, when it comes to standing up for my feelings or myself I am just beginning to find my voice again.
Maybe all women go through this, where they never feel good enough or don't know how truly amazing they are, because we are constantly being told that we need to be this or that to be good enough. Don't get me wrong, I fall for this crap everyday. It takes getting out of my own head and focusing on issues of substance to get me out of the running dialog in my head.
However, I am just realizing that I am starting to find that voice of mine again and it's a nice feeling. Because I really missed that little girl who was strong, completely herself and wanted to take the world on!
Maybe people are right, that I don't care how it makes me look. I just am starting to believe it for myself...
1) They have no clue what the heck they're talking about!
2) Maybe I should start caring about the consequences...I thought I cared...but I think they're right it's always a second thought...hummmm that might not be good.
3) The image I project sounds like a kick-ass girl...
I grew-up not caring about what people thought and I was fully SARAH. However, shit happened and I lost the man in my life who let me be fully me. I lost my way for a long time, like a lot of people do in life.
My own image of myself is truly flawed. It amazes me that instead of thinking that I am stronger for going through things in my life, I feel weaker for them. As though I wasn't able to pull myself up by my boot-strings fast enough or well enough as others have done. I mean there are people who lose their whole families, are raped, tortured and they get through these awful experiences to do good in their lives...now that is truly amazing!
Yes, I stand up to people, but that is because the situation is such bullshit and I'm just not good at letting people get away with how they treat others. I am GREAT at standing up for other people! I will give them that. If someone wants to put down one of my friends or family members in my presence they better have their fists up, because I will most likely be swinging. However, when it comes to standing up for my feelings or myself I am just beginning to find my voice again.
Maybe all women go through this, where they never feel good enough or don't know how truly amazing they are, because we are constantly being told that we need to be this or that to be good enough. Don't get me wrong, I fall for this crap everyday. It takes getting out of my own head and focusing on issues of substance to get me out of the running dialog in my head.
However, I am just realizing that I am starting to find that voice of mine again and it's a nice feeling. Because I really missed that little girl who was strong, completely herself and wanted to take the world on!
Maybe people are right, that I don't care how it makes me look. I just am starting to believe it for myself...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Do I have to believe everything in the Bible???
For the greater part of my life I have struggled with the title of "Christian". Simply because I don't believe everything that the Bible says and completely don't agree with the fact that Christianity is the only religion or that being gay is a sin.
Now does that make me UN-Christian? I simply don't know. I didn't go to Church just for these reasons and if I did go I felt like a fraud. Then something changed and I went to church as a seeker, not a full believer in the religion. I am still out on that vote, but as a follower and believer of God, simply God. The grace that he/she bestows on me time and time again...
To be honest it's never really been about religion for me when it comes to my faith. I fully believe in God and I love the image of Jesus and how he lived his life. Which always makes me think he would laugh at us struggling with this whole gay issue! I have always felt that God is so much bigger than just one religion and when you get to the basis of all religions they simply are stating to live your life with love, get out of yourself and treat people with kindness. Maybe it's me being naive or the fact that I don't think God denies anyone depending on what they call themselves.
I am awful at debating these ideas of mine. You can't debate what you know is the truth from your own heart. The fact that there has been so much hatred and death among different religions who are trying to figure out whose God is better, bigger and greater than others is another reason I get exasperated on this issue.
Kabbalah and Buddhism are very attractive to me just because they don't focus on these details. There focus is on your spiritual being and living a life full of love. I know, total hippie talk. They have this quote on the website:
"When we are on a spiritual path, we are seeking to reconnect with Spirit. This spirit has no name; it is not Christian, or Jewish, or Buddhist or any other limiting description. It is just Spirit, far beyond the confines of any particular faith. And it has no gender. All people should be able to connect to its wisdom too." (www.kabbalah.com)
Which sums up my exact feelings! This is where I get so confused because when I go to Church its to remind me that life is bigger than my daily woes. That I am here to live a life of fulfillment and every time I turn to God/Spirit for help he/she blesses me. Maybe not in the ways that I want or think I want, but in the ways that lead me to feel alive and grateful.
I find it interesting that I am so fixated on the word "Christian", because it's obviously so much bigger than that for me. I guess I need to be able to live in the gray zone for awhile...which plainly irks me and goes against every grain in my being. I like black and white, clear cut...the gray zone I can't put into a category...
When people ask me what I believe, I often reply "I am seeking". It's the honest fact.
Now does that make me UN-Christian? I simply don't know. I didn't go to Church just for these reasons and if I did go I felt like a fraud. Then something changed and I went to church as a seeker, not a full believer in the religion. I am still out on that vote, but as a follower and believer of God, simply God. The grace that he/she bestows on me time and time again...
To be honest it's never really been about religion for me when it comes to my faith. I fully believe in God and I love the image of Jesus and how he lived his life. Which always makes me think he would laugh at us struggling with this whole gay issue! I have always felt that God is so much bigger than just one religion and when you get to the basis of all religions they simply are stating to live your life with love, get out of yourself and treat people with kindness. Maybe it's me being naive or the fact that I don't think God denies anyone depending on what they call themselves.
I am awful at debating these ideas of mine. You can't debate what you know is the truth from your own heart. The fact that there has been so much hatred and death among different religions who are trying to figure out whose God is better, bigger and greater than others is another reason I get exasperated on this issue.
Kabbalah and Buddhism are very attractive to me just because they don't focus on these details. There focus is on your spiritual being and living a life full of love. I know, total hippie talk. They have this quote on the website:
"When we are on a spiritual path, we are seeking to reconnect with Spirit. This spirit has no name; it is not Christian, or Jewish, or Buddhist or any other limiting description. It is just Spirit, far beyond the confines of any particular faith. And it has no gender. All people should be able to connect to its wisdom too." (www.kabbalah.com)
Which sums up my exact feelings! This is where I get so confused because when I go to Church its to remind me that life is bigger than my daily woes. That I am here to live a life of fulfillment and every time I turn to God/Spirit for help he/she blesses me. Maybe not in the ways that I want or think I want, but in the ways that lead me to feel alive and grateful.
I find it interesting that I am so fixated on the word "Christian", because it's obviously so much bigger than that for me. I guess I need to be able to live in the gray zone for awhile...which plainly irks me and goes against every grain in my being. I like black and white, clear cut...the gray zone I can't put into a category...
When people ask me what I believe, I often reply "I am seeking". It's the honest fact.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sarah's Review of South Pacific: Sugar Daddy + 2 good songs
I know I am going to offend the Broadway fanatics on this one.
BUT...do not go see South Pacific thinking that you're going to see a show about Army men and young love affairs. Because as it turns out, the girls are the only young ones in the affairs and the men are way too old for the women their pursing and/or screwing.
Now, I am not a seasoned Broadway goer and I don't think I will ever get there...especially after this experience.
But at least I know how to cast a damn play and not make it about a old man's fantasy land. The whole time the two characters were lusting after one another I wanted to throw up or at least scream, "You could be her father" when the actress and actor keep singing to get other how people tell them they have nothing in common with each other. no shit Sherlock. He is old and you're naive and young. I was on the cusp of yelling, which I think would have gone over really well...don't you. Luckily, I only had one margarita that night and not three. Otherwise, I could have been part of the show. Which thankfully the margaritas cost way too much that night!
Okay I am getting off my soapbox now... to the people who love South Pacific, please turn off your cellphones and enjoy the show...I hear its an amazing production, just ignore my few comments...
BUT...do not go see South Pacific thinking that you're going to see a show about Army men and young love affairs. Because as it turns out, the girls are the only young ones in the affairs and the men are way too old for the women their pursing and/or screwing.
Now, I am not a seasoned Broadway goer and I don't think I will ever get there...especially after this experience.
But at least I know how to cast a damn play and not make it about a old man's fantasy land. The whole time the two characters were lusting after one another I wanted to throw up or at least scream, "You could be her father" when the actress and actor keep singing to get other how people tell them they have nothing in common with each other. no shit Sherlock. He is old and you're naive and young. I was on the cusp of yelling, which I think would have gone over really well...don't you. Luckily, I only had one margarita that night and not three. Otherwise, I could have been part of the show. Which thankfully the margaritas cost way too much that night!
Okay I am getting off my soapbox now... to the people who love South Pacific, please turn off your cellphones and enjoy the show...I hear its an amazing production, just ignore my few comments...
Penile Implant
As a new nurse you're inquisitive: always wanting to figuratively get your hands on everything...well almost everything, there are some exceptions.
The thing is when you're a student nurse you're at the expense of the nurse you're assigned to and they dictate how much they want you around. Since I'm most likely older than the nurse I was assigned too, I simply use that to my advantage and I'm more blunt, "let me see and do everything...please!" Because standing around on the floor... simply sucks!
Now when I made the statement, "let me see and do everything" I was not expecting to come across what I did on Friday. The nurse was teaching me about condom Foley's and how to take them on and off. When we came across a hardened spot on this patients scrotum. As we were poking around (a.k.a. assessing) we felt something that kept "clicking". We both had no clue as to what this could be and so we got the head nurse to come take a look.
It turned out that we were turning on and off this patients penile implant. Luckily for us and probably for the patient himself we weren't able to activate the implant!
phew...
One of my friends asked me, "what would you do if you did turn it on? would you have to help relieve him?" Thankfully I didn't have to answer that question, at least not that day...
The thing is when you're a student nurse you're at the expense of the nurse you're assigned to and they dictate how much they want you around. Since I'm most likely older than the nurse I was assigned too, I simply use that to my advantage and I'm more blunt, "let me see and do everything...please!" Because standing around on the floor... simply sucks!
Now when I made the statement, "let me see and do everything" I was not expecting to come across what I did on Friday. The nurse was teaching me about condom Foley's and how to take them on and off. When we came across a hardened spot on this patients scrotum. As we were poking around (a.k.a. assessing) we felt something that kept "clicking". We both had no clue as to what this could be and so we got the head nurse to come take a look.
It turned out that we were turning on and off this patients penile implant. Luckily for us and probably for the patient himself we weren't able to activate the implant!
phew...
One of my friends asked me, "what would you do if you did turn it on? would you have to help relieve him?" Thankfully I didn't have to answer that question, at least not that day...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Grunting Men please step down
You know when you're working out and you're in the your zone... you're lifting some weights, you've got that new song that you added to your ipod and working out is feeling actually really good for once!!!
And then out of nowhere you hear a guy grunting his lungs out? And it completely ruins your whole zen like mindset. Has this ever happened to you?
I get that men are lifting heavy weights, but when I lift heavy weights for myself I don't have to grunt my lungs out. So what is the deal!
I honestly don't understand why men have to grunt so freaking loud, because really it's not hot nor is it attracting women to flock to your bedside. It does the complete opposite for women. Anytime we hear a man grunting so freaking loud the first thing we think is, "Uh, I bet that's how he sounds in bed!" It doesn't make us want to jump into bed with you. Because if we know you're grunting that loudly then most likely you are way too obsessed with your own image and you won't be pleasing anybody but yourself. And that is my friend a deal breaker.
Now I don't mind if a guy whose working out hard is exhaling heavily, that doesn't bother me. It's the men who feel as though they're King Kong and do almost everything besides beat on their own chest.
So, to all the men who grunt like no other please know that 1) it's not doing you any good and 2) exhaling in a controlled manner would be more productive and 3) there are other PEOPLE around so take it down a couple notches...Thank You.
Sincerely,
The Bitch at your gym
And then out of nowhere you hear a guy grunting his lungs out? And it completely ruins your whole zen like mindset. Has this ever happened to you?
I get that men are lifting heavy weights, but when I lift heavy weights for myself I don't have to grunt my lungs out. So what is the deal!
I honestly don't understand why men have to grunt so freaking loud, because really it's not hot nor is it attracting women to flock to your bedside. It does the complete opposite for women. Anytime we hear a man grunting so freaking loud the first thing we think is, "Uh, I bet that's how he sounds in bed!" It doesn't make us want to jump into bed with you. Because if we know you're grunting that loudly then most likely you are way too obsessed with your own image and you won't be pleasing anybody but yourself. And that is my friend a deal breaker.
Now I don't mind if a guy whose working out hard is exhaling heavily, that doesn't bother me. It's the men who feel as though they're King Kong and do almost everything besides beat on their own chest.
So, to all the men who grunt like no other please know that 1) it's not doing you any good and 2) exhaling in a controlled manner would be more productive and 3) there are other PEOPLE around so take it down a couple notches...Thank You.
Sincerely,
The Bitch at your gym
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Thought of the Day: Pain pill laced with laxatives
If you've ever been on pain pills you know that you get backed up for a entire week, maybe a week in a half. So on top of completely being in pain you get the added side effect of not crapping. And everyone, even if they don't like to admit it, likes their once a day delight.
If you've never experienced being constipated you should thank your lucky stars! It is one of the most natural things that the body does; you eat and then you should excrete. When this process gets backed up, the only thing you can think about is "when am I going to poop again!"
It's a little known fact that in nursing homes giving a laxative a day keeps the bricks away (I actually just came up with that...thank you!).
That's why while I was sitting in class today I came up with a genius idea, if I must say so myself! Why haven't the drug companies developed a pain pill that is laced with a laxative? I mean honestly, I know, you're thinking "GENIUS!" And I'll take it.
And if in the next year, I see this pill developed I'm collecting my royalties.
If you've never experienced being constipated you should thank your lucky stars! It is one of the most natural things that the body does; you eat and then you should excrete. When this process gets backed up, the only thing you can think about is "when am I going to poop again!"
It's a little known fact that in nursing homes giving a laxative a day keeps the bricks away (I actually just came up with that...thank you!).
That's why while I was sitting in class today I came up with a genius idea, if I must say so myself! Why haven't the drug companies developed a pain pill that is laced with a laxative? I mean honestly, I know, you're thinking "GENIUS!" And I'll take it.
And if in the next year, I see this pill developed I'm collecting my royalties.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Nursing Home Revisited
Nursing Home Revisited
Last Friday was (hopefully) my last time going to the nursing home. I know that is probably awful to say, but I only tell the truth, which gets me in trouble as well.
I continue to stand by my statement of not ever wanting to be in a nursing home. I decided that if I am starting to decline in health and I know that I am on my way out that I will do either 1) extreme sports because I already I have a high rate of self-induced injury rate or 2) I will simply take a great drug and go off on a trip to la la land.
Last Friday, was probably one of the hardest days yet. I had to give a bed bath to an older patient. The video that I was required to watch on the technique of bed baths (you know the one that was one step away from a porn) was the WORST preparation ever! I would have been so lucky if my bed bath experience was anything close to the semi-porn video.
But no, it was nothing like my experience. Before I go into the details I just want to preface that my heart went out to this older man. I am able to take myself out of the situation and laugh and make light of the situation, but that is because 1) it's my saving grace and 2) I don't deal with it everyday like this older patient.
Now, we were suppose to have a CNA help / direct us in the proper technique, but did we have that? NO. We had two nursing students who had watched a video and played around on a dummy, that was it.
The moment we began, the patient expressed that he was having an "embarrassing moment" which means bowel movement. My heart sank a little bit when I was given this information. However I handled it very well and made him realize that it was a part of everyday life. Which it is, however the embarrassing part is having two young girls wipe your ass.
As we were cleaning the patient, he had very arthritic hands. I asked him if he was able to open his hand a bit more. As he opened it a tad more this putrid odor wafted out. My body went in shutdown, I started to get clammy feeling and my vision started blur. I thought to myself "I can't pass out, not on my first bed bath...suck it up Sarah!" I got back in after taking some breaths of fresh air. While cleaning, brown crud kept on falling out of this poor mans hand. I wonder to myself when the last time was that he actually was bathed, maybe I don't want to know.
45 minutes and we are finally done with the bed bath, now on to the diaper. Here we go. I unveil the front portion and I don't see anything, great this will be easy. As we roll the patient partially onto his side, I see it, the turd that I am going to have to help pull out with only a pair of gloves. The grimness of the problem begins to dawn on me. We do this "partial" side move about 10 times to try and clean this poor patient, very ineffective.
I am having to go on a "treasure hunt" to find the poop and clean this patient. Moving rolls of skin while pushing someone to the side is extremely hard work. And it was all over! The balls, up the back, everywhere. 37 minutes and counting.
It wasn't until I ran completely out of wipes (probably about 50+) that I excused myself and went to find a CNA. I don't know if it was the look of bewilderment on my face or how I was staggering about, but whatever it was the CNA took pity on me and came to help. As she walked in and assessed the situation she was amazed that no one was helping us...YES, I would have to agreed to the fullest!
The CNA took the sheet in both hands and yanked hard and up which completely repositioned the patient onto his side...finally. Access to the butthole finally. Sad that that made my day, but I will take it!
A bed bath and cleaning should take about 25 minutes tops, I was in there for 1hr and 37 minutes. The patient said that he had never been cleaned in such a way before. Yeah, I bet he hasn't! At least he was kind.
That was my day. I have been initiated.
p.s. I think I might place an ad to advertise for a boyfriend just to practice vital signs and bed baths. If anyone knows someone to fill the job let me know. I don't want the small talk, just the body to work on. No fun play either...I'm not the nice nurse.
Last Friday was (hopefully) my last time going to the nursing home. I know that is probably awful to say, but I only tell the truth, which gets me in trouble as well.
I continue to stand by my statement of not ever wanting to be in a nursing home. I decided that if I am starting to decline in health and I know that I am on my way out that I will do either 1) extreme sports because I already I have a high rate of self-induced injury rate or 2) I will simply take a great drug and go off on a trip to la la land.
Last Friday, was probably one of the hardest days yet. I had to give a bed bath to an older patient. The video that I was required to watch on the technique of bed baths (you know the one that was one step away from a porn) was the WORST preparation ever! I would have been so lucky if my bed bath experience was anything close to the semi-porn video.
But no, it was nothing like my experience. Before I go into the details I just want to preface that my heart went out to this older man. I am able to take myself out of the situation and laugh and make light of the situation, but that is because 1) it's my saving grace and 2) I don't deal with it everyday like this older patient.
Now, we were suppose to have a CNA help / direct us in the proper technique, but did we have that? NO. We had two nursing students who had watched a video and played around on a dummy, that was it.
The moment we began, the patient expressed that he was having an "embarrassing moment" which means bowel movement. My heart sank a little bit when I was given this information. However I handled it very well and made him realize that it was a part of everyday life. Which it is, however the embarrassing part is having two young girls wipe your ass.
As we were cleaning the patient, he had very arthritic hands. I asked him if he was able to open his hand a bit more. As he opened it a tad more this putrid odor wafted out. My body went in shutdown, I started to get clammy feeling and my vision started blur. I thought to myself "I can't pass out, not on my first bed bath...suck it up Sarah!" I got back in after taking some breaths of fresh air. While cleaning, brown crud kept on falling out of this poor mans hand. I wonder to myself when the last time was that he actually was bathed, maybe I don't want to know.
45 minutes and we are finally done with the bed bath, now on to the diaper. Here we go. I unveil the front portion and I don't see anything, great this will be easy. As we roll the patient partially onto his side, I see it, the turd that I am going to have to help pull out with only a pair of gloves. The grimness of the problem begins to dawn on me. We do this "partial" side move about 10 times to try and clean this poor patient, very ineffective.
I am having to go on a "treasure hunt" to find the poop and clean this patient. Moving rolls of skin while pushing someone to the side is extremely hard work. And it was all over! The balls, up the back, everywhere. 37 minutes and counting.
It wasn't until I ran completely out of wipes (probably about 50+) that I excused myself and went to find a CNA. I don't know if it was the look of bewilderment on my face or how I was staggering about, but whatever it was the CNA took pity on me and came to help. As she walked in and assessed the situation she was amazed that no one was helping us...YES, I would have to agreed to the fullest!
The CNA took the sheet in both hands and yanked hard and up which completely repositioned the patient onto his side...finally. Access to the butthole finally. Sad that that made my day, but I will take it!
A bed bath and cleaning should take about 25 minutes tops, I was in there for 1hr and 37 minutes. The patient said that he had never been cleaned in such a way before. Yeah, I bet he hasn't! At least he was kind.
That was my day. I have been initiated.
p.s. I think I might place an ad to advertise for a boyfriend just to practice vital signs and bed baths. If anyone knows someone to fill the job let me know. I don't want the small talk, just the body to work on. No fun play either...I'm not the nice nurse.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Nursing 101: Hallucinogenic Manifestations
In Nursing School and any school that teaches about disease control, whether that be mental or physical you will come into what I term:
Hallucinogenic Manifestations
This is simply when normal becomes not normal. For instance, when you're reading in the the local study hall about pathogenic and microbiology effects in the environment and on and in humans, you simply start seeing them manifest before your very own eyes.
See at this precise moment, I am reading patho and the person in front of me is coughing (and not covering his mouth, which in this day and age is just plain rude!). My thought goes directly to TB or another nasty airborne virus. I mean he really isn't looking that great. And when I politely (I thought I was polite) asked him if he could cover his mouth he didn't enjoy hearing it. I don't know if it was my hand motions of "cover your mouth" or my "I'm sorry but could you cover your mouth, I can see shit spewing out". Whatever it was, he didn't take to it very well. Pansy.
Then over to my left there is another nasty little bugger who keeps sneezing and you really can see stuff spewing out...oh there he goes again...bastard! I keep giving him my evil eye but he hasn't caught me doing it yet. Which is surprising because I am looking at him for a good full minute. You can say bitch, but I am all for public health and this one isn't getting my public health message. I might have to ramp up my action.
So, when you are going through Nursing school you will assume that you have every disease imaginable. Just the other day my leg started itching and I automatically diagnosed myself with ring worm stage two.
(disclaimer: There is no such thing as ring worm two yet, however Nurse Sarah is in the process of publishing an article on this new phenomenon. Besides to her credit, it makes her sound very professional. End of disclaimer, please proceed to conclusion of blog, because Sarah discloses superb insight)
This is just part of the process. So relax and take a deep breath. Did you just take a deep breath?...because as I was writing, "take a deep breath" I actually took a deep breath, which I find pretty cool. I might have to include that more into my writings. Especially since when you get more oxygen it burns more calories...bingo (note: this was the superb insight).
Just be prepared to self diagnose yourself with every disease possible and unless you are a girl with the initials of CSW you will not have any of the diseases. The girl with the initials is screwed though. Make sure you use protective gear at all times when you come into contact with her.
Hallucinogenic Manifestations
This is simply when normal becomes not normal. For instance, when you're reading in the the local study hall about pathogenic and microbiology effects in the environment and on and in humans, you simply start seeing them manifest before your very own eyes.
See at this precise moment, I am reading patho and the person in front of me is coughing (and not covering his mouth, which in this day and age is just plain rude!). My thought goes directly to TB or another nasty airborne virus. I mean he really isn't looking that great. And when I politely (I thought I was polite) asked him if he could cover his mouth he didn't enjoy hearing it. I don't know if it was my hand motions of "cover your mouth" or my "I'm sorry but could you cover your mouth, I can see shit spewing out". Whatever it was, he didn't take to it very well. Pansy.
Then over to my left there is another nasty little bugger who keeps sneezing and you really can see stuff spewing out...oh there he goes again...bastard! I keep giving him my evil eye but he hasn't caught me doing it yet. Which is surprising because I am looking at him for a good full minute. You can say bitch, but I am all for public health and this one isn't getting my public health message. I might have to ramp up my action.
So, when you are going through Nursing school you will assume that you have every disease imaginable. Just the other day my leg started itching and I automatically diagnosed myself with ring worm stage two.
(disclaimer: There is no such thing as ring worm two yet, however Nurse Sarah is in the process of publishing an article on this new phenomenon. Besides to her credit, it makes her sound very professional. End of disclaimer, please proceed to conclusion of blog, because Sarah discloses superb insight)
This is just part of the process. So relax and take a deep breath. Did you just take a deep breath?...because as I was writing, "take a deep breath" I actually took a deep breath, which I find pretty cool. I might have to include that more into my writings. Especially since when you get more oxygen it burns more calories...bingo (note: this was the superb insight).
Just be prepared to self diagnose yourself with every disease possible and unless you are a girl with the initials of CSW you will not have any of the diseases. The girl with the initials is screwed though. Make sure you use protective gear at all times when you come into contact with her.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Can someone have too much fun with their last name?
I have been spelling my last name out for (teachers, operators, etc.) for now 18 years. I am not counting the other ten since I probably couldn't even spell my last name. But then again who can!
You see this is how the conversation goes every time...
"SCH OP as in Piano B as in Boy ACH"
Now after 18 years it has been getting a little redundant.
And I happened to be in one of my moods where you don't exactly think through and think about how the other person might perceive what your saying, you just go with it. It has become one of my more charming and at times completely idiotic qualities.
On this particular day I thought to myself, "you know what would be fun..." and I filled in my own blank. That is where you should always stop yourself...I am still learning this though.
It was one of those thoughts that you have where you think you are hilarious and the other person, well, to their own fault, might not see it the same...
So anyways, the lady gets on the phone and I start going through the same old process, "SCHOP (and this is where my alter ego took over) as in Prick B as in Balls ACH"
And for all of you thinking, "wow she is really immature!"...well I can't really fault you on that...I still giggle at fart jokes and obviously still love using sex words inappropriately.
Thankfully to my saving grace and delight, the woman on the other line started cracking up and thanking me for amusing her. However, I don't think I would recommend this to all...
You see this is how the conversation goes every time...
"SCH OP as in Piano B as in Boy ACH"
Now after 18 years it has been getting a little redundant.
And I happened to be in one of my moods where you don't exactly think through and think about how the other person might perceive what your saying, you just go with it. It has become one of my more charming and at times completely idiotic qualities.
On this particular day I thought to myself, "you know what would be fun..." and I filled in my own blank. That is where you should always stop yourself...I am still learning this though.
It was one of those thoughts that you have where you think you are hilarious and the other person, well, to their own fault, might not see it the same...
So anyways, the lady gets on the phone and I start going through the same old process, "SCHOP (and this is where my alter ego took over) as in Prick B as in Balls ACH"
And for all of you thinking, "wow she is really immature!"...well I can't really fault you on that...I still giggle at fart jokes and obviously still love using sex words inappropriately.
Thankfully to my saving grace and delight, the woman on the other line started cracking up and thanking me for amusing her. However, I don't think I would recommend this to all...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
28 yr. old living in the dorms should be Oxymoron
I thought "heck, I never really did the dorms, so why not"... BIG MISTAKE, HUGE.
However, I don't recall anyone honestly asking me if I was sure about this decision. And to them I have to say, "Where were you on that?" I am usually a very logical and systematic thinker. (side note: I just completely bullshitted the last sentence. I am probably the least logical or systematic thinker, however it sounded really good, so I am keeping it in there. Oh and just disregard this side note).
The dorm decision I can say was not the best decision. Now to be perfectly honest I did luck the heck out! Luckily the place I picked to live is sooo far off the grid (about a whole 15 minute walk) that not a lot of people want to live here. So I have my own room. I don't think you can technically call it a room though, because whoever erected this wall forgot to put the remaining 5 feet of it up. Which equates to a huge gap and means I get to hear everything and have no privacy.
So that is where I am at: 28 living with sophomores. And yes, I have already been asked to make a alcohol run. I opted out of this because I am lame and responsible...joy joy.
However, I don't recall anyone honestly asking me if I was sure about this decision. And to them I have to say, "Where were you on that?" I am usually a very logical and systematic thinker. (side note: I just completely bullshitted the last sentence. I am probably the least logical or systematic thinker, however it sounded really good, so I am keeping it in there. Oh and just disregard this side note).
The dorm decision I can say was not the best decision. Now to be perfectly honest I did luck the heck out! Luckily the place I picked to live is sooo far off the grid (about a whole 15 minute walk) that not a lot of people want to live here. So I have my own room. I don't think you can technically call it a room though, because whoever erected this wall forgot to put the remaining 5 feet of it up. Which equates to a huge gap and means I get to hear everything and have no privacy.
So that is where I am at: 28 living with sophomores. And yes, I have already been asked to make a alcohol run. I opted out of this because I am lame and responsible...joy joy.
Getting Lost in NYC an account of the 1st week
First Day:
I really wanted to make a great impression with my Taxi driver and act as though I was a savvy New Yorker who knew her shit.
As I was feeling confident and my ego was thinking, "yeahhh, that's right New York I am goooood", I was woken up from my dream. My taxi driver was telling me that the address I gave him didn't exist. "WHAT?!?, ohhhh fuck". I tried to act as though I still knew what I was doing, this lasted for about 2 more full seconds until my voice began to quiver and a bead of sweat started to accumulate on my forehead. I was had.
I think the taxi driver even started laughing at me. So not right. I did find out that there is more than one Greenwich road and of course they happen to be about a mile apart from each other. Who the fuck is naming these streets people!!!
........................................................................................................................................................
Okay, first off, I love when people tell you not to act as though you are new in a city. I was given this information numerous times by some folks of mine who were meaning to do good. But I of course took it fully to heart and thought that I was living in the hood or something. Which couldn't be further from the truth. So the first couple of days I made sure not to go out when the sun went down. Yes, I was being that much of a wuss. Dude, I thought I was living in the hood, you wouldn't go out either!
I mean really though who the heck knows what they're doing in a new city. I mean yes, don't have your purse exposed and look like a sad fool, but for the most part NYC is not that ghetto. Unless you go to Brooklyn, that is another story.
I really wanted to make a great impression with my Taxi driver and act as though I was a savvy New Yorker who knew her shit.
As I was feeling confident and my ego was thinking, "yeahhh, that's right New York I am goooood", I was woken up from my dream. My taxi driver was telling me that the address I gave him didn't exist. "WHAT?!?, ohhhh fuck". I tried to act as though I still knew what I was doing, this lasted for about 2 more full seconds until my voice began to quiver and a bead of sweat started to accumulate on my forehead. I was had.
I think the taxi driver even started laughing at me. So not right. I did find out that there is more than one Greenwich road and of course they happen to be about a mile apart from each other. Who the fuck is naming these streets people!!!
........................................................................................................................................................
Okay, first off, I love when people tell you not to act as though you are new in a city. I was given this information numerous times by some folks of mine who were meaning to do good. But I of course took it fully to heart and thought that I was living in the hood or something. Which couldn't be further from the truth. So the first couple of days I made sure not to go out when the sun went down. Yes, I was being that much of a wuss. Dude, I thought I was living in the hood, you wouldn't go out either!
I mean really though who the heck knows what they're doing in a new city. I mean yes, don't have your purse exposed and look like a sad fool, but for the most part NYC is not that ghetto. Unless you go to Brooklyn, that is another story.
First Week of Classes
Tuesday 7:30am in the morning. I am required to watch 10 videos on the basics of nursing care. This translates into watching a semi-porn video of how to correctly wash a man and women's perineum (the private parts). As I am watching this I'm secretly hoping that the man on the video gets a hard on because, well, it would make it that much more interesting. All that is really missing is the awful porn music in the background.
All the while I know just my luck that when I am actually performing this procedure I would of course get the guy who actually has the "elevation". What do you say in that circumstance? "Well done, glad its still working!?" I mean truthfully, I know its very natural and I am not trying to be insensitive about the issue, but truth be told, I would be laughing my ass off if it happened. I know that men are probably saying, "I don't want that fucking girl as my nurse!" And I would have to say to them, "Oh yes you do, because I have fun in life."
Friday: Nursing Home
I'm just going to say it, "I hope I die early!" Fuck being stuck in a nursing home and not being able to take care of yourself. The first four hours I was just in shock and overwhelmed with feeling sorry for all of these individuals. These residents used to function fully and now they lay at the hands of someone else to do one of the simplest acts of getting out of bed. Sometimes waiting 2-3 hours before someone to get them out of bed to go wait for someone to feed them. Which is the central highlight, oh and watching TV. It was depressing. Bless the individuals who are able to do this job day in and day out.
Once I got over my initial shock, I was able to look past the physical limitation and see these individuals spirits. Seeing that, for the most part, these residents spirits are still vibrant, its that they are trapped within their own bodies.
A turning point was taking a woman downstairs and just watching the birds with her. She counted the birds over and over for 45 minutes and was content. I was able to just be with her and look at the birds through her eyes for those few moments. Simply being content watching and counting birds, knowing that this simple act was a highlight for her that day.
Two words: Humbling and Depressing
All the while I know just my luck that when I am actually performing this procedure I would of course get the guy who actually has the "elevation". What do you say in that circumstance? "Well done, glad its still working!?" I mean truthfully, I know its very natural and I am not trying to be insensitive about the issue, but truth be told, I would be laughing my ass off if it happened. I know that men are probably saying, "I don't want that fucking girl as my nurse!" And I would have to say to them, "Oh yes you do, because I have fun in life."
Friday: Nursing Home
I'm just going to say it, "I hope I die early!" Fuck being stuck in a nursing home and not being able to take care of yourself. The first four hours I was just in shock and overwhelmed with feeling sorry for all of these individuals. These residents used to function fully and now they lay at the hands of someone else to do one of the simplest acts of getting out of bed. Sometimes waiting 2-3 hours before someone to get them out of bed to go wait for someone to feed them. Which is the central highlight, oh and watching TV. It was depressing. Bless the individuals who are able to do this job day in and day out.
Once I got over my initial shock, I was able to look past the physical limitation and see these individuals spirits. Seeing that, for the most part, these residents spirits are still vibrant, its that they are trapped within their own bodies.
A turning point was taking a woman downstairs and just watching the birds with her. She counted the birds over and over for 45 minutes and was content. I was able to just be with her and look at the birds through her eyes for those few moments. Simply being content watching and counting birds, knowing that this simple act was a highlight for her that day.
Two words: Humbling and Depressing
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